Attire
by MissCrookedSmile
Summary: The bat-clan needs to shape up when it comes to their uniforms! Nightwing and Batman give them a lecture...


"This is serious business, so listen up!" Nightwing shouted while clapping his hands together. Bats began to shriek and move around because of the loud noise, but they stayed high above the cave's company.

"We have had some problems in the field because of your uniforms", Nightwing continued in the same tone of voice. Many of the listeners finished off their conversations, but tranquility had not spread through their headquarters just yet.

"Our great benefactor, Batman himself, has therefore asked me and Oracle to bring you all here for a talk about 'proper street wear', and to equip you with the right gear."

He had their attention now! He wondered for a second whether they stopped talking when he mentioned the free stuff or that simply by speaking Batman's name one would grab the attention of this particular crew.

"He will join us in just a second, but until then, I will do the talking. Please pretend to pay attention! It makes my job so much easier."

He threw them one of his famous smiles. One could wonder how such an optimistic and all around good guy managed to grow up in this cave under the surveillance of the man who defined the term 'frown'.

"First of all, a lot of you have chosen to wear masks that cover your mouths. Even though it has its advantaged, like being able to stop a young group of graffiti artists without having to wake up with paint all over your jaw, it is a problem."

"It is more… discrete" Cassandra added.

"True," Nightwing gave her that. "But it is important that you keep hydrated during a mission or patrol. Which leads me to my next point: Your blood sugar! None of you have any pockets for food storage."

"Excuse me, but I didn't come here to learn about healthy dieting," Huntress interrupted. "I came here to learn about armor."

"Forget about the learning", Red Hood added: "Can those us who went through this lecture as a kid skip ahead to the free stuff? I promise to not run with scissors and do my homework, if you get me a decent pair of gloves."

"Trouble maintaining your shiny exterior, now that you don't rob mob bosses anymore?"

Batwoman had never liked Red Hood. She understood why Batman had to let him into the inner circle – history and all that. But he was obnoxious. And that was when he behaved!

"Yeah. Hero-stuff has never paid out. I wish I had an overly controlling father who would just buy me all the equipment that I needed. Oh wait! That's pretty much why I'm here!"

Nightwing let them bicker for a couple of minutes. Sexualities had to be mentioned, deaths came up… It was all below the belt and he had no intention to join them, but he knew he could not stop them.

"When you're done," he finally got a chance to say, "I would like to say something about protection."

"Oh, brother," Red Hood sighed, turning around to look for a chair. If he had to go through this again, at least he was going to be comfortable.

"Many of you remember the basics: Helmets, bulletproof wests, knee pads… But you forget about padding!"

"Yeah. Starfire did tell me you were big on that!" Red Hood whispered passive aggressively. He might have given up the killing, but he sure did not need to be nice to this bat-devoted crowd.

"You were once too, Jason" Batman began from the shadows. "But then again, bladder spasms are completely natural in our line of work."

Red Robin let out a laugh, loving that somebody finally put Red Hood in his place.

"One more sound, bird boy, and I swear, I will beat you again!"

But Tim kept a crooked smile on his face. Batman always knew to hit were it hurt!

"Bladder spams are no laughing matter." The Dark Knight insisted in a serious tone. "During explosions, heat waves in a fire…"

"I cannot believe this," Huntress began. "Is Batman actually giving us a lecture on when we might piss our pants?"

Batman, patiently and in full control of his every move, walked up to her. He stopped few inches away from her, bending down in order for his face to get as close to hers as possible. She could not fight the urge to bend back a little, letting him win the right to her personal space.

"I have been in this game longer than any one of you. Perhaps longer than anyone! I have studied for this role before most of you were even born. I invited you here, giving you a chance to learn from me and my experience. I do not understand why you chose to show your face if that is the attitude you are going to present me with."

He let the silence clear the air. Then he straightened his back and turned towards his prodigal son.

"Please continue."

Nightwing began his lecture on padding once again, while Batman moved to the background. On his way, he slapped Red Hood hard on the helmet.

"Sit up straight. It should help you keep attention."

Red Hood quieted down and looked away in embarrassment.

The remaining six looked immediately at Nightwing, demanding to know: "When do we learn how to do THAT?"


End file.
